So last night I dreamt continuously all night. I woke up several times but each time I fell back to sleep I went back into the same dream. I actually feel like I didn’t sleep at all. Dreams have been happening more and more lately, but ones that I actually remember when I wake up. Interesting thing is they always leave such an impact on me that I can’t seem to dismiss them. Each time I woke up last night I was thinking why in the heck am I unable to fall asleep? It felt like I only drifted off for a few minutes at a time. I was clearly completing a night shift in my bed and not getting paid for it 😛 Even though I wasn’t enjoying the lack of sleep all I kept thinking was oh boy I need to write this stuff down but I’m so lazy and tired at this moment.

The dream was in an extremely old home, certain parts of the ceiling looked like an old school. It almost felt condemned and not really lived in. The home felt a little scary, I felt really alone and didn’t feel secure. There were some other people there but with no great significance….I don’t think anyways. What really stuck out in my eyes was that there was a young child, she looked kind of scared and confused. There was something controlling her, what kind of felt like a demon to me. Just like what you see in the movies such as poltergeist. In the beginning I saw her around and didn’t really pay that much attention to her, she was just there. As I’m walking through the house at the top of the stairs I notice a rubber stuffed animal doll, it looked really dirty and old. This doll was alive with a demon like behavior, but it wasn’t the behavior that was scary it was my thoughts of being around this. I needed to get rid of it, I didn’t want to be surrounded by these evil feelings. I took control and grabbed the doll and immediately started thrashing it against the floor and then jumping up and down over it. I wanted to get rid of the demon so badly but each time when I thought the demon had left it appeared back in the doll. Even though I was slightly scared I was determined that I would conquer this demon no matter what.

So as I sit back and evaluate my dream I start to see the true meaning. Remembering that the way I describe things is how I see it. So the demons aren’t literal it’s a way of communicating and grabbing my attention the best it knows how. I’ve always been so very scared of the dark side. I never ever wanted to believe that it even existed. It always made me fear the nonliving and the spirit world. In my eyes it was so unpredictable and the thought of something not being in the physical world made me feel unprotected and alone. So this is why I see the significance of the demon character being presented in the doll and child. Let’s face it we all have baggage in our lives that seem as scary as a demon invading someone’s body. That’s exactly what it is, all my hidden feelings and emotions are caught up in one place. They control me in so many ways that I haven’t even discovered yet. All the crap that has accumulated over the years creating multiple insecurities! As for stomping and attacking the doll that’s me realizing that I so desperately want to get rid of these demons that hold me captive. Even though I’m slightly fearful I continue to fight for freedom. The significance of the old home is that this is the past and everything that belongs in it, all the baggage that I’ve developed and carried with me over the years. The child off to the side represents that there is still a lost child within that needs to be nurtured and cared for.

Wow is this really what I bargained for, losing sleep, dreaming and making sense of all that is being presented in front of my eyes. The real question is okay yes I see all this and now I’m really starting to understand why my mind works in overdrive all the time. All that baggage over time has created many layers of clothing that has piled up and is stacked so high. How do you ever begin to wash all those clothes and put them away? The process is quite simple as I sit here it comes to me in such a totally different but so understanding way. What do we do with dirty clothing? Well first off we recognize that it’s dirty and has piled quite high and yes seems so overwhelming. That’s the first step becoming aware that you can see all your insecurities and you are willing to tackle the pile the best that you know how. Then we start to separate the clothing, usually by colors well that’s the way I do it anyways 🙂 Now there is many different piles depending on how many colors you decide to separate. Those represent your emotions that are attached to all the situations that have happened in your life whether you felt them or not. Now remembering that there may be many piles of the same color, meaning emotion that needs to be cleaned and there is only so much room in the washer at one time. Each of these emotions say for example fear will have many different looks as does the articles of clothing in that pile. Each article of clothing will represent a different past childhood experience that has left an impact on you so that going forward you learn to protect yourself from it happening again. Those are the styles to the pieces of clothing meaning situations that have happened in the past. Those are the ones that you have to look deep to find your answers and boy when they come to you, be ready it will be an epiphany. So great this is all fine and dandy but where do you start when there are so many piles? You start with the one that is presented to you and that you have become aware of.

I’ve had to look at why sometimes I respond to certain people or situations that cause me to feel unbalanced and frankly just not good. Those situations where your mind continuously goes back to the same situation and you dissect it over and over in your head. This is where you start. Now as time passes and we work through the piles they become less and less overwhelming. The most important key in all of this is also recognizing that there will always be laundry in the basket but in a less and non-threatening way. I’ve discovered that’s just life!!

Yesterday I started a twitch in the back shoulder armpit area. I’ve discovered that when my body starts to hurt or screams at me with something that means I’m harboring some kind of emotion or situation that needs to be dealt with. It means that when I hold things in they are going to come out in another form. This is no longer an option for me because it will literally smack me in the head to get my attention. Kind of like a battle that I’m not ever going to win anymore so stop being the brave soldier as you are not serving any purpose by continuing to fight. This is when I realized that I’m tackling a battlefield that has already been determined. So really let the demons loose and tackle this journey one step at a time.

Today it came across my mind that in the last few days I had been preoccupied with thoughts around a situation with a friend that I felt like I was being made fun of and mocked. Now keep in mind it doesn’t matter what the other persons intentions were because that’s their work and doesn’t belong to you. My work needed to be done because the situations of feeling like I was mistreated sparks emotions of being bullied as a child and all I did was stand around and watch not ever standing up for myself. Why because I felt intimidated and that I was outnumbered. I didn’t feel worthy. I always asked myself what did I ever do wrong? Why am I a target in all this? So as you continue life and these feelings continue to attach themselves to similar situations this is where I began to pile the laundry. So I learned quickly that I needed to make sure that I always serviced other people first so that I would never give them reason to not like me. Twisted as it sounds that was my protection. But as time went on that method didn’t always work, there was always someone that would challenge my method therefore creating other ways to protect myself. What can I do now so this person will like me? So each time I do this I keep validating my twisted feelings of not being worthy and it’s more important to put someone else first before myself. Once realizing those methods to protect myself, this is where slowly the change starts to happen one step at a time. Don’t get me wrong the temptation is there to go back to the old ways because it definitely is more familiar and served a purpose for such a long time. So I have choices in this situation, continue with the methods that I find familiar and comforting or chose at that moment to make a change. So what change is needed? I needed to see that I didn’t have to go to that person to basically suck up so that I felt accepted by them. I made the conscious choice to address the situation and tell the person how it made me feel, so basically standing up for myself and putting me first. It takes a lot of strength and courage because in that moment you still feel unprotected. The hardest part of it all is the other person’s response. I need not take ownership over how the other person will respond. It was such a liberating feeling knowing that I recognized this, I chose to see it and then I also chose to deal with it. This is how I get the laundry done. Taking a moment to celebrate the amazing steps and courage to becoming one step closer to reaching my freedom within my mind. 

8 Comments »

  1. I love your laundry analogy Nicole! I can identify with most of what you are writing and want to share one coping strategy that I use. When things get out of hand, I put it in the hands of the universe and keep repeating “All will be well” I’ve survived many sleepless nights with that mantra.
    Thank you for sharing
    Blessings

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Great blog Nicole! I too have been going through many different feelings and have felt that lost feeling for years. You have been such an amazing friend by pointing things out and getting me to ask why am I feeling this way and why do I choose to react. I have been doing some deep soul searching and at times it’s been hard, even found myself doing what I always do, bury it deep! This isn’t going to be an over night cure nor will it be easy at times but I do feel hope and feel that true happiness is within my reach now. You inspire me everyday and I’m so proud to call you my friend.
    Thank you,
    Cindy

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Great blog Nicole!! I love to hear about your dreams. Sounds so familiar. Ever since my stroke a year and a half ago, I’ve felt different. I don’t know if it’s the sudden change in my life, but it seems like I just left everything in the past go. Nothing else matters but what’s going on now. Whatever happened in the past is in the past. All I can do is look forward. I’ve met lots of new people and you see how their lives have changed. Everybody wants to be loved and accepted, but for some doesn’t matter what you do, it’s never enough. You just have to stick with family and close friends. Be yourself !! You only have one chance at life. Live it and enjoy it. I’ve known you for about 20 years and I’m glad to call you my best friend 😊 you did so much for me when I needed it. Thank you!

    Liked by 2 people

    • You literally brought me to tears!! You have no idea how much I have learnt from you. You make me smile and appreciate life in a whole new way. You shine so bright Dora. I love our talks they are so real and genuine and I couldn’t ask for anything more than that! Love ya! xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

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