Fully Exposed

Last three days I’ve been down and out, physically sick with a cold. This has given me a lot of time to spend either watching TV, sleeping or in my head. Being in my head isn’t always a good thing. Most days it is a wonderful place to be, but the last few days have been a constant battle and struggle. I’ve been trying to figure out why? So this morning I got my answers and they weren’t the answers that I thought they were going to be.

I believe my body was trying to tell me something when I first got sick. I was supposed to work this week. I only work casually so my shifts are few and far in between. But for some reason I was really dreading going in this time and not really sure why. I always like to sporadically do shifts at the hospital as it keeps my skills in check and allows me to stay connected in my career as a nurse. I also work as a fitness instructor as well. Monday I had to get one of my classes covered at the gym so I could work a shift at the hospital. Monday rolls around and I’m sicker than a dog……what does that really mean….like dogs get any sicker than humans? Anyways, I went in to do my shift knowing full well that I was really sick and shouldn’t be working. I’ve been nursing for 21 years now, and over those years I’ve rarely ever called in sick. It has always had to be over the top can’t get out of bed kind of sick. Monday I was pretty much near that but felt so bad for calling in sick because I am their relief when someone takes time off. So in my head the games begin. It’s a battle, what will they think of me if I call in sick now? They are relying on me to be there. They need my help because without the extra body it will make the other staff so busy and they will hate me because of it. Do I think this is really true, yes in a way I do! Let’s break it down. So even put yourself in this position where someone has called in sick and there is no one to replace them. What happens in the work environment? Well basically shit hits the fan, staff are bitchy because they are overworked, they probably won’t get breaks, the patients or customers are affected because they won’t get the service that is expected. Bottom line is the staff resent the person that called in sick because their life was made miserable while they had to work short -handed. We can all pretend at the fact and say oh no it’s not the person’s fault but in reality the quick answer is yes. So you ask me how could I possibly know this, well the truth is I’ve experienced this on the other side. I have been the person that has been affected by a sick call on many occasions. This is why I rarely ever call in sick. I’m willing to put my sickness aside to help others because I don’t want them to experience working short or thinking badly of me. Hmmmmm there it is the true answer, not entirely about working short but mostly because they will think badly of me. Think that I’m lazy, faking, and not strong enough to take it on and fight through it. Because that’s what fighters do right, take it on and don’t give up.

The real question is am I a fighter? Hell yes I have been for many years. A fighter at what? A fighter in my reality towards everything I do! Fighters are strong because no one can take them down not even a sickness. Even though that sickness is meant to take you down so you can rest from being a constant fighter. Only now do I see what I’ve done all these years. It’s the fight for survival so that you can stay upright, no one can see in, because no one or thing will take you down. So where does all this fight come from is the real question. If I show people how good I am by doing whatever I can to make them happy such as going into work no one will see the suffering and the constant battle that happens within. No one will see that I do need time off from my mind, no one will see that I need to be cared for, no one will see that I can’t do everything on my own. Oh that’s a big one, everything on my own! I have always done everything on my own, I don’t need help from anyone. In true reality I do need help. I do want caring friends, I want a loving husband, I do want time to rest and re coupe. I’ve never ever wanted to admit that before. Why because if it became real in my head then I would want all these things and therefore this would make me see myself as weak and needy.

I see now where all this is coming from. I never ever wanted to admit this before because truly in my mind I never thought I was affected by this. Growing up with a single parent and 2 other siblings was definitely not the easiest task at times. We went through a lot of difficult times together. The one thing that I thought I would never recognize was not having a father figure around growing up. So as I sit back and re read this post I start to understand more clearly the fight for survival. I didn’t need anybody was my motto because I didn’t have anybody. Now I don’t mean that in the literal terms. Yes I had a loving mother that did the best she could with what she had. My strong will to survive and do things on my own comes from not having that father figure in my life. Yes it all boils down to abandonment. Do you see how it all comes together now? I will do everything on my own and not rely on anyone so that I will never ever be disappointed.

Our minds create pathways to protect ourselves. We don’t like to get hurt, no one does! Where the pathway gets interrupted by the big bad wolf is that we often think that feeling these emotions is bad so we burry them to protect ourselves. As young children we quickly learn that feeling emotions can be scary so we develop ways to help hide them so they don’t exist. Instead we need to be telling the child to feel and express themselves so that these emotions don’t hide or become shameful. Will the impact of not having a father figure in your life still affect you over the years, yes it sure will. As each situation arises that reminds you of this you develop healthy ways of coping and allowing yourself to feel the loss. Now I’m not saying I’d like to go back and change anything because frankly I don’t. Why because it has made me who I am today and I wouldn’t be able to share the experiences and discoveries that I’ve made and grown from at this present moment. Reflecting is such a positive experience, there is only good to come from all of this. Amazing self-discoveries and growth all around.

This week I made a step in the right direction. I called in sick for my other two shifts that I was supposed to work. As I wrap things up I see why I was meant to be as sick as I was. I needed to stay home and recognize why over the last 21 years I refuse to rest and take the time that I need to recover. Mentally and physically spoken. The big bad wolf only enticed me a little before I caught onto what the big picture was presenting. Thank you universe for showing me what I needed to see and spend some time at home reflecting. Isn’t it amazing what happens when you are open to receive!!