Fully Exposed

This Christmas was different for me, I truly let go of so many self sabotaging idealizations that things needed to be a certain way. I was going to spend $250 to get my house cleaned all to realize that by the time Christmas was over I’d have to do it again. So this year I decided that I’d wait till after Christmas and treat myself to a home cleaning. Instead of feeling the need that I had to show people that I had it all together and was a clean person I decided to think and treat myself instead. I want to sit back and enjoy the cleanliness and organization without the proof of having to show it. This is for me…wow what a treat! I still face the battle of judgement upon what people will think. This seems to be a constant reminder in my life of how I will be judged if I don’t do this and if I don’t do that. Then the guilt follows. I read in a lovely book I received for Christmas from a friend named Rebecca that our physical pain in our bodies is a result of GUILT! As I start to wash away that guilt that I feel of coming out of hiding I realize so many things. Guilt traps us, guilt keeps us small, guilt keeps us from giving to ourselves only to give to others at our own expense, guilt keeps us captive in those negative thoughts in our minds, guilt essentially doesn’t allow us to live for ourselves. What a twisted way of living life and feeling so trapped, confined and powerless. One moment we can be feeling well only to have a conversation with someone or go to an event or family function to feel we need to please others. Where does this come from? This Christmas the power of guilt trapped me a few times and then I realized how it truly made me feel about myself…terrible. The only way to fix it is to release yourself from that manipulation of thoughts, those implied incriminating accusations. We can either choose to take them on or challenge them, leaving them at the door they tried to open within ourselves. Patience is the key, steady, slow and observing the moment will set us free. We all get challenged by this, it’s a part of living and life but we can decrease the amount of energy we choose to live in those moments. Jeff reminded me that everyone has choices and that I need to stop always taking the blame. I need to see that I can own my actions and choices but then so do others and that’s not for me to take on or feel bad. We all make mistakes or choices in our life that maybe aren’t the best but if we knew any different at the time we would have made a better choice. Be open to seeing your part and only take on what is yours, leave the rest at the door where it belongs. On to the new year with many more challenges and amazing beautiful learning experiences. Much love 💗