Fully Exposed

Jeff woke me up from a terrible dream as I was weeping and sobbing. He gave me a little nudge and said what is the matter, I responded by saying you had died in a car crash and I was devastated. After the initial shock in my dream all I kept focusing on was did I tell him how much I loved him before he left for work. I remember thinking in my dream it was busy when he left that day and I didn’t get a chance to give him a kiss goodbye. This left me feeling so intensely guilty, I didn’t get to say goodbye and he didn’t get to hear that I loved him! After I woke up from the dream it left me feeling the need to really connect with him and show him and tell him how much I loved him. He turned to me with this goofy smirk on his face and said how could you not love this. His humour always makes me laugh and distracts me from the intensity that I feel sometimes. As I sat with this more I started to understand where the link was. The previous evening I had written my week#11 that focused on guilt. I guess I wasn’t done with it when I fell asleep. It got me really thinking about guilt in all aspects and how powerful it really is. I remember in my dream thinking I wouldn’t be able to go on with my life knowing and thinking that I didn’t get to say goodbye. How I could take on this piece of guilt that wouldn’t allow me to move forward. The more I dissected it and realized that each day I did tell him I loved him and I did show him in many ways how much I cared for him. I was going to allow one time where I didn’t say it to hold me captive and really condemn myself from not moving forward and holding onto that one piece that could change my life forever. But the thing is we do this all the time. We allow these moments of intensity to limit us to continuously hold onto it and allow it to fester and live within our bodies because we feel we need to punish ourselves. In those moments we need to remind ourselves how good we really are, how much love we actually give and hold in our hearts. Guilt can come in so many forms don’t let it suffocate you making you feel things that really aren’t true. That’s the thing it actually makes you believe things about yourself that have no truth whatsoever. Remember the next time guilt surfaces, ask yourself if this is true, does it have any merit, is it reality or just the story you created in your mind. It can be very deep rooted and will continue to surface, but the moments you face it and tackle it head on are the moments you slowly take off the armour that holds you captive. It’s such a beautiful things. Happy New Year Everyone!