I sit here reflecting on the past week noticing how far I have really come in understanding death in so many different ways, not just in the physical sense. I remember in the past suffering so much in regards to not understanding the why, letting go for myself and being able to move on without so much hurt in my heart. When Victor passed away I asked for some help and guidance in understanding, accepting and moving forward. I now understand that a great part of that comes with how I talk to myself, how much compassion I give myself, and truly just allowing the grieving process to happen whenever it needs to regardless of the situation happening around me. Losses can come in so many forms, we lose relationships with people because they just seem to grow out of our own moral values and beliefs, we can loose our jobs, move homes, death of anything can trigger grief. So last week I was overwhelmed by the emotions that come along with grief and I embraced and welcomed them in full spectrum. I still do have moments where I miss our physical connection and I take the time to honour that moment. It’s okay! This week something happened that I wasn’t expecting at all, reflecting back I had these intensified moments is such great playfulness. I wanted to tease people and play jokes and laugh and be me again. I was high on life and all these beautiful amazing people that surround me and stay connected allow me to feel and act with no judgement or restrictions. For the first time I didn’t feel guilty for being happy and playful instead I was so thankful for the experience. Grieving doesn’t mean that we sit in that space all the time. We can very much enjoy all the in between that happens even when we are sitting in a space that doesn’t feel good, all it takes is for someone to make us laugh….FEEL that laughter in the pit of your belly and enjoy that moment. Life is a constant state of change, we weave in and out of our perceptions according to our experiences. Remember who you are right now and what you believe in, your moral values, the things that changed from childhood into adulthood. The way we were brought up doesn’t mean that we have to continue to hold those set of beliefs if they don’t feel right for you or they seem to sabotage you moving forward in loving yourself first before anything else. One of my biggest realizations in understanding my perception of respect and the way I was brought up is totally different. Growing up we were always taught to look up to our elders, giving them respect first, when elders spoke children just listened. We were not able to dispute any indifferences because that would be considered disrespectful. I remember feeling so frustrated at times but just held it in because I was the child that needed to keep my mouth shut because that would show how good I was to others. How profound is that? It wasn’t until I reached adulthood and broke the ties of all these beliefs that were not mine and that it’s okay to change them and instill what moral values fit for you. The only thing is I continued to hold onto the old beliefs because I remained affected by them when I was challenged by them through people. I’ve definitely taught my children to speak their mind, act how they feel and be okay with that. If they don’t like something then they say it, if they don’t feel like hugging they don’t do it just because they have too. We create all these stipulations and expectations on people and how they should act and behave in social situations. For who and for what? This isn’t obviously for us if it doesn’t feel good to do it. That is one thing my son Brett has taught me being highly functional and intelligent on the spectrum he doesn’t understand a lot of the perceived normal social interactions we have with people. He beats to his own drum and I love that in him. He has taught me things don’t always have to be a certain way. Break free from the social norms and be YOU! It’s feels good to be FREE and open and care less. This weeks picture really reflects the strength in moving forward as a warrior balancing, staying grounded in what I believe for myself and not allowing my old beliefs to hold onto me anymore. Letting go of them and still seeing LOVE as the option to move forward in growth and shine brightly while doing it!
Much love, Nicole xoxo