This week challenged me with embarrassment. A lot of really significant breakthroughs this week that exposed me to so many different experiences and feelings. One being I had the most severe panic attack that I’ve ever experienced at home while doing my course. I know why and how I was triggered but the events going through it were the most scariest. It took me to a space that a lot of it I couldn’t remember afterwards. I remember my body feeling like it couldn’t move and I could hear some things around me but I couldn’t speak at times. I relived many scenes from my childhood and teenage sexual abuse. The most amazing thing is right before it happened I reached out to my 3 safe people, Jeff, Dani and my therapist. My daughter never left my side from the time she can home to the time I surfaced from the despair. When I came aware enough to know what happened I experienced the most embarrassing feelings of all time. I’m gonna say it, I FELT LIKE I WAS CRAZY 😜 How many of us actually experience those feelings, I’m guessing quite a few. It was a moment of truth and knowing and finding myself in a state of helplessness. My logical brain knows certain things and understands where I’m at and can identify my reality but my irrational brain doesn’t want me to see this and keeps poking its head out to tell me crazy things that really aren’t truth. In the moment of panic it’s like battle field in your head that struggles back and forth between these realities. I know I’m not crazy and I know how far I’ve come but at times the suffering outweighs the knowing. Just before this happened I received two really amazing and important gifts. One being the most beautiful comfortable hand knit sweater blanket that came with a poem about love and support by Brad our RMT at the office. He is such an exceptional person I just can’t say enough about his beautiful kind soul. Second was a handmade necklace from Believe in You Jewelry as a surprise to help support me in those trying times, give me strength, love and enhance my intuition. She is one beautiful lady that has a huge heart and every piece I received from her was made with such great intention and purpose. I believe I received these two gifts right before my experience to help me get through it and understand the amount of support and love I have around me. Between the live support I received, the messages and the tangible special items I saw a different side of love. This weeks picture is about honesty, embarrassment, support and love. In child’s pose as I bow to the earth in allowing myself to experience this week giving thanks to all who surround me with such love. I am more than grateful for what I have in my life and none of them have to do with physical things but more about the support system that has been built around me. For that I bow and thank the earth and universe for always providing exactly what I need. Until next time, much love Nicole xoxo

2 Comments »

  1. Dearest Nicole
    Until someone witnesses or experiences the pain of a severe anxiety attack …they truly do not Understand it…the beauty is you survived the storm and walked in the rain!!! I hope you understand that your blog and frankness help others who struggle!! Now that’s a rainbow…hope to see you soon…Aloha from Hawaii 🌺 🍍

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m honoured even if one person sees, feels and understands that they aren’t alone in this then it’s a win win situation. I thank you for taking the time to read and comment. It is a big deal and means the world to me. I say hello from the great north with snow all the way up to my top bay window. Cold here. 🥶

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s