Fully Exposed

I have to say these last few weeks have kind of rocked my world a little. Allowing myself to see all the skeletons in the closet has brought my mind into a new gateway. At times I feel relieved but other times I’m scared as hell as I see myself leaving and entering into a completely different world. A world full of honesty with myself and others. I can’t hide and I can no longer pretend that the skeletons in the closet aren’t there. I’ve had multiple flashbacks of the sexual trauma on multiple levels. I saw myself after last weeks panic attack as being so vulnerable, exposed and understanding how I coped all these years from these terrible things. I got lost in disassociating my entire life, I became what I wanted so that I could run and show myself that I could do more than that to prove I was worthy. I was worthy of education and a great career, I was worthy of having an amazing husband and family, I was worthy of all those things if I just forgot about the past and lived a normal life. I convinced myself that I would be okay if I achieved all these things to keep myself going from crashing. Once I realized I crashed and this was no longer my life to live anymore I became lost, depressed and could not figure out how I could live with myself knowing that all this happened. I strived for perfection all these years challenging myself with the biggest things only ever to fall short. I have finally realized that there is no such thing as perfection, I am in no way perfect. The skeletons and ghosts have been released and I am beginning to feel all the past years of exhaustion. I am for the first time giving myself permission to feel, to understand, to think of me, to see the world through a different lens. It’s tiring but so so so amazing to know I do not have any expectations to live up to anymore. The love of my life my husband captured this beautiful shot. He has truly over and over again showed me how beautiful I am in all that I am. He listens, he forgives, he tolerates, he pushes me to talk and be open. I need pushing sometimes, I like to hide a lot! His humour keeps me laughing though at times I get so annoyed, he is who he is and is proud. I love that! I love honest, open people that like to share and explore and I don’t have to wonder what they are thinking. Challenge yourself, be open, share your thoughts, allow yourself to be seen from the inside out. Anytime you want to chat, I’m a message or phone call away! Much Love Nicole xo