Fully Exposed

It’s all about the SUN and MOON(thanks Becky 😂), lightness and darkness, YIN and YANG of life!So many fluctuations this week with happiness and gloomy days filled with just silence. I’m gathering the weather does have a lot to do with it and I’m sure I’m not alone with this. The details of the week unfolded as I was brought back many times into seeing some really amazing patterns of behaviour. In this whole process of post traumatic recovery I feel like I’m turning back time and reliving my teen years in a different way. I’m definitely reprogramming myself with a multitude of new knowledge and understanding of why I do things, why I think certain things. After the abuse ended I found multiple ways to cope, one was numbing, second was padding myself with weight and three I used to hurt myself with large safety pins putting them right through my fingers all this to avoid or feel something different. I can honestly say I loved it, it felt good in a strange and twisted way. I grew out of two of those things, hurting myself and weight gain. Over the years I became very focused on my body, I worked out always and pretty much stayed the same weight my entire life besides the fact when I had my children. Recently over the past few months I’ve noticed my weight climbing, it didn’t bother me at first but now it really is. I won’t step on the scale because I know that will destroy me even more. I finally came to the realization that I’m trying to protect myself, the long winter and medication doesn’t help this obviously but I see more into it than just that. I decided to ask for help, Wendy our nutritionist has been so patient and kind with me. Baby steps she says, I’m not on a diet because that won’t work for me as my personality is an all or nothing way. I’m slowly trying to pull away from those tendencies, I jump in with two feet always and drive forward in one gear only, fast! Being kind to myself when I make unfavourable choices, because oh boy it’s been happening especially when Jeff is away. This leads into my other realization of self hurt, sabotage. That comes in many forms unfortunately. I have two dermal piercings and one day this week I woke up and said okay I’m done with the right wrist one, it’s always getting infected. If anyone knows about dermal piercings they are implanted under the skin. So nurse Nicole decides she is going to tackle this baby all on her own. Out I take my dressing tray, stitch ripper and saline solution and cut it out from my wrist. The relief I felt was incredible. It wasn’t until after that I realized what I did and why it felt so good. I took the week off with the kids to just be home with them. There has been many drab days. The couple good days were when the sun was shining and we got outside for walks and snowmobile rides. That brought me pure joy watching my son having fun on his machine. On one of those sunny days is when Jeff took this lovely picture. The sun and the moon shining together…lol. It was so cold on the hands and feet. Shortly after Jeff gave me my coat and boats and I remained naked under my coat and as I was running back to the vehicle some snowmobilers drove by, all I kept thinking is “what are they thinking, do they notice I have bare legs, do they know I’m naked under my coat. Slightly terrified but certainly much less than I would have been before. So what, I was covered, they can think what they want I convince myself until I get back to the car feeling much safer hidden. How am I ever going to make it to a nudist colony? I’ve been really struggling with these photos lately because of my body image and weight gain but I continue to challenge myself in moving forward. I will get through this too. My butt is my worst enemy, I’ve been criticizing it a lot lately. Wendy asked me the most challenging question, why do you think your weight change will make you feel better about yourself? Now that’s a loaded question. I still haven’t been able to answer that. I will continue to seek out the answers. So I do have to say myself this week has been full of ups and downs like life truly is but with such intense realizations that will allow me to move forward just knowing I’m holding my own accountability for being honest with myself, seeing the beauty of my true self and growing continuously. It’s not all about the good days, it’s the balance, it’s the learning, it’s the perception of your own growth that matters. Stay grounded, cheer yourself on in those beautiful moments when you see the light. You are your own BEST friend.

PS Exciting news, new photographer starting next week. I’m so excited to move through that experience with all it comes with. Stay tuned!