Fully Exposed

Going into the weekend I was living off a high as I made the decision to have dreadlocks put into my hair, I’ve wanted since I was a teenager but never had the GUTS! A long history of having an important connection with my hair as I remember a high school teacher pointing out to the class that she admired and thought I had the best hair. That really stuck with me. I always did like my hair and felt that I could do things with it to make myself feel better about how I looked. So off I went and spent 8 hours having my hair put into dreads. Fine and dandy I go home and look into the mirror with a bit of a state of panic. My hair is all pulled back off my face and I can no longer use it to hide my face. Oh no what did I do crossed my mind. Totally realizing my thoughts that popped up as I challenged them. Okay how am I going to work through this, no more hiding, once again this has come to the surface. Learning new ways as this becomes my new normal, how do I learn to connect with my face, how do I learn to look at it with love, how do I learn to work with my hair in a different way that feels right for me. So many new things to see and learn that I wasn’t even aware would challenge me in any way. It’s so triggering. I saw a Facebook post about another person having dreadlocks and reading their response of “not everyone can pull those off” sent me into a whirlwind of self doubt and negative thoughts. Are they referring to me? Is that post there for me to see that I don’t look good with my dreads? The more I sat with it the more I felt challenged even though I knew deep down inside it’s crazy to think it was related to me I couldn’t resist the thoughts. So I took it upon myself to ask the question and confront the negative thoughts to prove to myself that that’s all they were, just thoughts! This new way is really serving me and allowing myself to see the stories I like to create in my mind that sometimes have no truth to them what so ever! This weeks picture very much represents landing, finding multiple opportunities to see myself in different ways. Jeff and I went for a 4 wheeler ride through the bush and we came across this really pretty stream of water and snow where it began to melt softening the road. Jeff said oh this would be a really cool shot for your nude yoga. So here I go let’s do it, I strip down and I didn’t even have to tell him where to go or what to do. I stepped onto the tiny rocks and the first thing I felt was the warmth of the earth from the sun shining down. It felt so wonderful. We finished and he showed me the pictures and I looked at my back and the first thing I thought was look at my rolls. He said are you serious right now this shot is absolutely beautiful Nicole. I was like how could I not see this? We got home and I looked again and there it was, I saw myself in a different way, I saw this beautiful reflection in the water representing the beauty that was above the water. It was profound. What a capture! In the very same day I meet with my new photographer for our first photo shoot! I actually felt better than I thought, I didn’t have difficulty taking off my cloths but I did feel awkward in not knowing what to do with myself before and after each shot. April is my person, she was easy to work with and her easy going personality just made it a lot more calm than I anticipated. She captured some great shots. I chose two shots as they both reflect some great importance relating to hiding and not hiding. As my head lifts and I face the camera my vulnerability comes active as I question myself throughout the whole process, does my face look okay, am I smiling in a good way, am I smiling too much where you can see wrinkles, does my face look distorted, I can’t see and I’m stuck in this pose. The other posture with my head down indicates how easy it is to look away, there was no questioning. Where did these habits evolve? Why is it so hard to look in the mirror some days and find nothing but faults. Behind the scenes we start to see how the story was put together how it was practiced over and over before it revealed its moment of truth! The play begins and recites each day what it has learned over a lifetime. Picking apart the scenes to rewrite the play takes a lot of observation and hard work with great imagination to see something greater than imagined. I brace myself in understanding, I see my mistakes and don’t always want to work at change because that’s hard sometimes. I fully admit that I’d love to just wake up one morning and have all these pieces put together, but then I ask myself why? Only to realize I am here to experience life, and that’s what this is. Every day done takes us further and further towards the end. So why wish it away? Life passes so quickly from one moment to the next without even realizing how fast time really does go by. Embrace the moments we have left with character, love, non judgement, honesty, pleasure and a sense of knowing you did your best for today. Much Love, Nicole xo