Spring is here and I’m usually vibrant and full of energy and piss and vinegar. My energy is generally high at this time just due to the fact of the sun, warmer temperatures, the smells of the air. I feel like I’m rising from a long winter of hibernation. As I enjoy this time I realized that all my energy and enjoyment of time is being fogged with just getting through the day without a panic attack. I had one on Wednesday and I was able to get into seeing my therapist earlier which really helped. We tried all the conventional treatments, ice on the back of my neck, breathing, using my 5 senses to ground me etc. I do like the ice the best, even though my entire body is numb I can feel the ice….soothing! I have been so busy with work, organizing the kids, trying to keep up with the house cleaning etc my body has felt like it’s been in tense mode . Ive practiced yoga quite a few times and meditated. What do I do next? I’m doing all the right things to help myself. I get ready to pack and head down to Hamilton for another week of acupuncture. Got up the next morning and head to McMaster University got settled in and they were handing out exams, I placed mine on my table and all of a sudden I felt the rush completely take over my body. Now I’ve lost control. I panic and feel utterly unsafe and don’t know what to do with myself. All I knew is I couldn’t stay in that bright lit room where everything seems so loud and I felt so afraid. I was challenged because at that point I wasn’t sure I could stand up without feeling like I was going to pass out. I got up slowly from my chair, felt so woodsy but told myself to keep going get out of this room now. I got out and Brad came out and said let’s go outside. I sat on a bench and it just kept getting worse and worse. I could hear people talking but I couldn’t make sense of things. I was trembling, shaking, rocking to keep myself from slipping away. I was so god damn fearful and I didn’t trust anyone. All I wanted was to be home with my husband. I was locked in a body that couldn’t communicate. It was the scariest thing ever. Ambulance came and I was taken to the hospital which I was monitored all day and was finally released when my husband drove all the way from Timmins to Toronto. I could hear the men’s voices which scared me even more. I don’t remember a lot of things, just bits and pieces where I could hear people talking around me. The most scariest feeling being trapped in your body without the ability to speak. So this weeks picture represents my openness to receive with an open heart, I want to accept and have the ability to move forward as I always do! Maybe this is for me to realize that part of this Acceptance is the vulnerability it puts me in with each encounter? I did feel very well taken care of yesterday even though I felt I was a complete mess, I was exposed, it was raw. My question is do you have difficulty facing vulnerability? It doesn’t have to be extreme but does it make you feel uncomfortable? Life will unfold as it should, we don’t have control over some of these situations and that’s okay. I do have feelings of embarrassed but I’m sure with time I’ll get over that too. These are all real life situations, we can’t run from them. Do you wish to embrace them with honesty or do you wish to pretend they are aren’t there? I know whats easier, I did it for years but now look at me go :). Much love, Nicole xoxo

5 Comments »

  1. Good morning, beautiful soul. I remember our visit when you taught me “Only in the Darkness can you see the Stars”….May the Stars shine bright upon you my friend. Love you lots

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  2. Phobias are a real biophysical response to a percieved threat. There are strategies to help cope but not necessarily a cure. Anxiety can have many triggers. Sleep loss, diet, illness, life events, and of course memories can all contribute to anxiety attacks. It may be difficult to pinpoint the specific cause, much moreso to find a cure, but here are a few suggestions:

    You’ve overcome many challenges. You’ve learned to love your body and accept its imperfections. You can be confident that you will overcome the challenges of anxiety also. It is easy to lose heart when you are acutely aware of your weaknesses, but stay motivated. You can do this.

    Just a theory, but try changing your mindset. This is not possible by simply choosing to do so; building faith in yourself takes time.

    First, you must recount your past successes in overcoming battles, and use that as a foundation to believe you can overcome anxiety.

    Second, you must perceive yourself as a fighter…it’s hard for a kindhearted person to see themselves with that image, but realize you are fighting internal insecurities just like someone who fights an outward foe or a harsh environment.

    Third, Think of your anxiety as a competitor, battling for control of your emotions. You will have some defeats, but fight daily and you will have more wins than losses.

    Finally, take up a competitive sport. Ideally, something that causes pain, such as boxing or mixed martial arts, but endurance running, weight lifting, rock climbing, gymnastics, most anything will do. As you battle with your body in a safe environment, where pain is felt, but yet controlled, you will reinforce the feeling that you are achieving goals, overcoming limitations and it will help you believe that you can overcome anxiety. The planning you put into sport will help you plan a strategy to overcome anxiety.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow you are so helpful and put so much effort into your suggestions. I thank you immensely for taking the time and answering with effort and thought. I will definitely put into effect some of your suggestions. That’s the thing I’ve felt so helpless but it’s true if I battle this thinking of it as a fighter I can win this. Thanks for your support 💜

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