Fully Exposed

Spring is here and I’m usually vibrant and full of energy and piss and vinegar. My energy is generally high at this time just due to the fact of the sun, warmer temperatures, the smells of the air. I feel like I’m rising from a long winter of hibernation. As I enjoy this time I realized that all my energy and enjoyment of time is being fogged with just getting through the day without a panic attack. I had one on Wednesday and I was able to get into seeing my therapist earlier which really helped. We tried all the conventional treatments, ice on the back of my neck, breathing, using my 5 senses to ground me etc. I do like the ice the best, even though my entire body is numb I can feel the ice….soothing! I have been so busy with work, organizing the kids, trying to keep up with the house cleaning etc my body has felt like it’s been in tense mode . Ive practiced yoga quite a few times and meditated. What do I do next? I’m doing all the right things to help myself. I get ready to pack and head down to Hamilton for another week of acupuncture. Got up the next morning and head to McMaster University got settled in and they were handing out exams, I placed mine on my table and all of a sudden I felt the rush completely take over my body. Now I’ve lost control. I panic and feel utterly unsafe and don’t know what to do with myself. All I knew is I couldn’t stay in that bright lit room where everything seems so loud and I felt so afraid. I was challenged because at that point I wasn’t sure I could stand up without feeling like I was going to pass out. I got up slowly from my chair, felt so woodsy but told myself to keep going get out of this room now. I got out and Brad came out and said let’s go outside. I sat on a bench and it just kept getting worse and worse. I could hear people talking but I couldn’t make sense of things. I was trembling, shaking, rocking to keep myself from slipping away. I was so god damn fearful and I didn’t trust anyone. All I wanted was to be home with my husband. I was locked in a body that couldn’t communicate. It was the scariest thing ever. Ambulance came and I was taken to the hospital which I was monitored all day and was finally released when my husband drove all the way from Timmins to Toronto. I could hear the men’s voices which scared me even more. I don’t remember a lot of things, just bits and pieces where I could hear people talking around me. The most scariest feeling being trapped in your body without the ability to speak. So this weeks picture represents my openness to receive with an open heart, I want to accept and have the ability to move forward as I always do! Maybe this is for me to realize that part of this Acceptance is the vulnerability it puts me in with each encounter? I did feel very well taken care of yesterday even though I felt I was a complete mess, I was exposed, it was raw. My question is do you have difficulty facing vulnerability? It doesn’t have to be extreme but does it make you feel uncomfortable? Life will unfold as it should, we don’t have control over some of these situations and that’s okay. I do have feelings of embarrassed but I’m sure with time I’ll get over that too. These are all real life situations, we can’t run from them. Do you wish to embrace them with honesty or do you wish to pretend they are aren’t there? I know whats easier, I did it for years but now look at me go :). Much love, Nicole xoxo