Fully Exposed

Each week is such a true blessing! We often take the little things in life for granted. The ability to wake up each morning and just be alive not knowing how the day is going to unfold, what we will encounter, who we will have conversations with, who we will bump into, the smiles, the gestures, the scenery, all the unknown. Have you ever just woke up and thought what will today bring me? Each day a new opportunity to tackle the world. As I go through this experience traveling through time I have gotten to see and experience so many things. This week aloud me to see a lot of those things. How appreciative I am with the people that reach out to me, the people that stand by me in moments where I feel scared, the people who don’t understand but want to try. Timing was a really wonderful thing to experience this week, divine timing, receiving things and messages that I needed to see in order for me to understand myself and help others understand me. I received two amazing articles and when I received each one at a different time they were in definite significant timing. Joy who is a person I don’t know on a deep personal level but more through Facebook still had the ability and intuition to know and go with her feelings to send me these articles. So for that it stopped me in my tracks to take a moment to appreciate this gesture of kindness. Last week an anonymous person sent me a message on my blog site with some really insightful suggestions on how I could tackle this panic disorder. I really listened, read and put into action the suggestions. I reached out to Dawn who is a personal trainer and international fighter to train with me privately. Friday morning I went to get my dreads maintained and then my training session booked right afterwards. Sounds like a good day right? Kristina was about 30mins into doing the maintenance on my dreads and all of a sudden the PANIC set in quickly. Why I don’t know 🤷‍♀️ I was terrified and locked in thinking what the fuck do I do now? I texted Dani right away. Of course as usual she said she was on her way. In the meantime I was just so scared and kept reminding myself that I was safe. I was surrounded by amazing women. Lyndsey said to me at one point what’s up all of a sudden you have become really quiet. I was in my mind, do I tell her, YES tell her what’s going on my head shouted. Well I don’t feel very well I’ve just entered into my state of panic. As the wonderful humans they both are they just continued to talk to me. From what I remember the conversation was very nourishing and kept me engaged, it’s all the real stuff that I love to talk about. It’s like they just knew what to say. Divine timing again. All I kept thinking was I don’t want to go to my training session anymore, I need to find a way out of this. They all kept talking like it was going to happen and how good it would be and all I kept thinking was how can I find a way out of this. It’s almost like it wasn’t a choice. I was like how am I going to be able to do this I feel like I’m drunk and I’m not even sure I can stand properly let alone throw punches and kicks. WTF am I going to do so I don’t embarrass myself. Dani, Kristina and Lyndsey said you are going to go down there and be honest with Dawn. You are going to tell her how you are feeling. I went downstairs into the dojo feeling drunker than a skunk and the moment I made eye contact with her I felt a moment of terror because all I kept thinking was I’m going to waist this woman’s time, I don’t have what it takes to do this right now. I looked her back in the eye after she asked me how I was doing today and said I’m not feeling well at all. I’m in a full blown panic attack at this moment. She said okay let’s see what we can do. Grab a skipping rope and start skipping. I was like wow okay I guess I’m doing this! I remember getting a little frustrated with the skipping, not as easy when you are 45 as opposed to 10! The rest of the session was blurry, I definitely remember some parts very well and other parts not at all. I remember when she would look at me and say give me everything you got right here right now and take it all out on me. All I remember picturing was my boss that sexually abused me and beating the living shit out of him. I remember taking him down and taking my power back over and over again! Dawn would share and say certain things that would trigger me and it was such an amazing feeling! Like I understood at that moment how this could really benefit me. My concentration went to a new level, I was so focused, and I had the power within my mind to tackle anything. At that moment I was fighting for myself, I was taking my power back, I was finding a way out, I was tackling the fears and living right through them in a whole different way. I was channeled and tuned into my higher self with a focus that had no other distractions. I walked away and thought wow I just did that in a full blown panic attack. This panic attack was definitely close in severity to the previous Friday where I was taken by ambulance to the hospital. No coincidence in that at all right? I conquered that, with the right people and support and divine timing showed me my power. Even though that panic lasted all the way until I went to bed it gave me a sense of accomplishment. Karli had her knee surgery on the Thursday and was given some post operative medication and she felt woozy 🥴 so we were giggling with each other on how we both felt. She was taking drugs and I wasn’t but we both were experiencing the same feelings. That kind of comforted me in a strange way. We could laugh about it together. Dani took care of us for the whole day, she is such an angel, drove around for hours just to keep us occupied and laughing. What an exciting week! What a way to enter Easter. This picture just represents so much it’s even hard to explain. There is always light even though we feel like our head is just above water. We are only given what we can handle and this part of my life is telling me I’m ready to tackle this. I can do anything! I can’t wait to kick the shit out of that bag and those pads again. I literally have risen 💜. Happy Easter Everyone, much love Nicole xoxo