Fully Exposed

** I couldn’t decide which one I liked better**

It’s actually all coming together nicely, seeing, believing, and understanding my greatness within. You know when you have those troubling moments and life just catches up with you and all you question is why? Why me? Even though I have these great moments of discovery the battle remains challenging and honestly sometimes feeling like I just don’t want to do this anymore. Then the universe gently reminds me of my power, of my purpose and the significance of the events that have happened. Like many weeks I hit my highs and lows and just keep going but this week I understood differently. That moment when we question our presence and feel like our existence doesn’t matter because let’s face it we all have those days, it’s whether we admit to them or not. We like to give a false perspective sometimes because it’s hard to be completely honest with ourselves, it’s scary what he can find. This week I was blessed with seeing and feeling through my existence in a different way. All these past events that have lead me to who I am today is exactly the way it needed to be in order to see and feel the world around me with more honesty, more compassion, more love, more presence. Being abused by my grandfather when I was young has shown me how to forgive myself. Knowing that I am innocent and knowing that it wasn’t about me at all. When he passed people asked why I wasn’t at the funeral, I wasn’t at the funeral because my own family shunned upon me. They couldn’t stand the fact that the family name would be ruined. I remember hearing but he was such a great man, and yes he was but they chose to put that first before me. That truly saddened me and made me feel worthless. But today I understand and see this so differently. I am not ashamed anymore, I can stand tall and deeply routed and know I am worth it. I got to spend the most amazing 24 hours with my childhood BFF on our way to pick up our new puppy. We stayed up for hours talking about our childhood, what we remembered and I was again reminded that I’m not crazy. My mom did the best she could being a single parent but there were some pretty significant moments that a child should not have to go through. So when my friend witnessed a lot of those moments it was the universes way of saying this did really happen Nicole. We always make decisions and choose differently when we raise our own children and that for sure I did. I vowed that my children would have a voice, they would be able to express themselves, I wanted to give them unconditional love and support them in all that they do regardless of their mistakes and choices. But the biggest one was I vowed that I would protect them from harm and if they did get harmed I would always choose them first. It’s not enough just to provide for your children, they need to be supported and shown that they matter, they are important and in the end you would stand alone to fight for them. So growing up the way I did, showed me what I needed to do. It showed me that I would give it my all, I would love unconditionally, I would stand by them even if it meant I had to do it alone with a deep sense of pride. The teenage sexual abuse I experienced with my boss showed me how strong I really am. I just endured a significant amount of mental and sexual abuse for a sustained period of time and I still pushed through life. It gave me an insurmountable strength that really can’t be described or put into words. I honestly don’t even think I understand myself what that strength represents and how significant it really is. As I keep going through this journey I am shown the way, I am being guided through each week with open awareness and the ability to see and realize all of this. It truly is a gift. In those dark moments we have so many choices. It’s plain and simple we can tackle them with compassion or we can push them away. Each time we push away we can find ourselves falling deeper and deeper. Have a good hard look at your strength, what does it tell you about yourself? Can you see more than just the surface, can you allow yourself to go in deep and find that love and compassion. That’s what really saves us. Each and every one of us has the warrior within. This week I saw myself in exalted warrior because I saw the strength with a deep sense of softness and understanding. I am a warrior that doesn’t have regrets, I can see the why and embrace the meaning with a profound elegance. I am not hard, I am not bitter, and even though I experience anger I can let it go. I am feeling through this part of my life with greatness. Standing proud in who I am and what I have overcome and continue to challenge myself with true honesty. I am not ashamed of who I have become but have been shown the beauty and relevance of my past experiences. Always stand tall, be your biggest cheerleader because you are important no matter what. Much love, Nicole xoxo