So this week due to events doesn’t have a nude yoga picture but I did get Dani to take one that I feel really fits well this this weeks challenges. The second picture is because Saturday May 4 was Jeff and I 20th wedding anniversary. I spent in hospital and he spent in Timmins but sent me this beautiful bouquet 💐💜

Learning to really expand my awareness at different levels, seeing, feeling and working through each experience during this week has definitely been a process. Tuesday morning I fell down quite a few stairs holding my new little 8 week puppy taking him outside for a pee. Without going into detail it was severe enough that I’ve been hospitalized since then. My blog this week isn’t about the experience of the trauma of the fall but more focused on what I’ve seen along the way. When you are laid up in bed it gives you a lot of time to think 💭. From the moment of the ambulance ride in to the present moment now which will be gone by the time you read this. So as I stand back and feel helpless, I have to let go of control and observe people’s reactions, interactions, read perceptions, feel their energy from the first presence or interaction with me. I have always been very energy sensitive and have been extremely intuitive but this week has taken it to a new level. Being laid up allows me to surrender completely and see all the other things that mostly go unnoticed when people exchange in the energy process. The ambulance 🚑 ride I got to see two people work together with different objectives in mind but worked well together. How I saw this was the female paramedic was focused on comfort, focused on asking many questions that could allow her to make decisions based upon her findings. Creating a plan of action with support. She expressed this with laughter keeping the situation light even though I was in a lot of pain and discomfort but making sure that wasn’t ignored in the process. I did have more time to see and observe as she was the one taking care of me in the cab. The driver was very focused with less communication and more expressing of getting me to the hospital in a timely manner with less consideration of details of comfort. Both interacted well together and both very effective in their own ways. As a woman having another woman paying attention to details of comfort meshed well with my personality as I’m always focused on how I can help people so it was really nice to be on the receiving end. We arrive at the ER and I see a familiar face and I reach out to call his name and seeing his eyes light up and his urgency to drop what he was doing to come over and see why I was there. His body language, expression and movement told me he was concerned and wanted to see what he could do to help by taking my information and getting me registered. Then Dani showed up and her response as we all know shows love and compassion in many ways. Her smile, her tears, her questions in what she could do for me to improve that moment in time, her eyes opening up showing her attention to listen was focused on me. The softness of the approach by laying her hand on me to reassure everything was going to be okay. How often do we take the time to pick up on all these details that tell us a story, showing concern or not concerned, staying close to a person and looking them in the eye, or looking at the floor or everywhere else but you, the chosen words that come out of our mouths and the softness of our voices, our body language and energy give us so many details to where our mind is at the moment, our focus, our attention on each individual reaction leaves an imprint. I get into a room and was seen, tests ordered and investigation into my case started. The ER doc was definitely attentive. She asked many questions, made eye contact and showed interest in putting a plan in place for treatment. Her caring compassion showed in many ways, as nurses and doctors we assume we have separate skills and tasks, she blew me away but not hesitating to do certain certain things that you would assume a doctor wouldn’t do. That was impactful and showed a great sense of support. So needless to say the outcome of tests, symptoms experienced I was admitted. Then came the night nurse TJ who definitely did not win the gold star for care and compassion. This man was full of arrogance and this was reflected by his interactions and comments made to me when requesting pain medications. He passed judgment onto Dani when she went out to ask for pain medications that I was due for and his response was she has had a lot already and her CT was clear and we don’t know why she is having all this pain and I don’t have her chart anyways, quote unquote. I could hear him talking to her and immediately felt upset and how dare he just assume I don’t need it and really didn’t show much care and compassion. During the night was a real struggle to get medications, I had to ask for them every time and he would even give out a big long sigh as if I was bothering him. One time Dani went out to the desk and he was sleeping with his legs up so Dani approached another female nurse that came in with a softness and concern, was attentive to my needs and even picked up around the room things that really shouldn’t have been left around. Next morning I had Hannah again very attentive, kind natured, thorough nurse who cleaned me up, made me comfortable, made eye contact, asked questions with concern and even apologized for the night nurses behaviour. Her care really stood out, it’s the little things, like offering ice water, like changing the sheets and straightening the wrinkles underneath you, it’s offering the pain meds instead of having to chase for them, just so many things attending to details, had her briefly and then was moved to less urgent care and was waiting to get a bed. Lisa was also very amazing with care, just always checking in making good eye contact showing that care and compassion and genuinely wanting to help in any way possible. Bringing in extra chairs for my people to sit on. I get transferred to my floor bed and was settled. There has been many wonderful positive interactions on the 5south! Great nurses and doctors with concern. Friday afternoon I came across an OT and PHYSIO. Imagine these two men coming into your room, briefly introducing themselves with clipboards in hand. I standing back the OT with a look on his face that said it all, it’s Friday the end of the week I don’t want to be here, I’m really not concerned about you I’m doing this because I have too and with a sense I was a bother and of much lower value than he was. The physio had a similar demeanour but slowly softened once he heard my story and my friend Joy speak up on my behalf. They knew nothing about me when they came into the room. Was rushing to get me sitting up on the side of the bed standing and walking. I hadn’t even elevated my head of bed at this point but they expected to come in there and jump right in. I was shocked and scared and terrified and felt very violated by their approach and lack of care and empathy. Here I am in a gown only, with a Foley catheter completely vulnerable situation and an open gown in the back. Joy offered to help I knew she realized herself what was going on and could sense my fear and hesitation. She interjected as I was so thankful that someone was there to protect me and express a voice that I didn’t have. Like even closing the door and curtains, placing a blanket over my back to protect my privacy. Okay let’s sit up and stand they say. This physio was going to do this by himself. I don’t think so…lol. Joy asks if she can stand on the other side to help the OT standing there has this disgusted look on his face. With the support of two people they bring me to a sitting which increased the pain and then to a brief standing which also increased the pain and could tolerate maybe 20-30 seconds. They put me back in bed allow me to settle slowly. Then comes the comment from the OT I guess you won’t be needing a wheelchair from me as you will be spending the weekend in bed. I was thinking wow that was pretty insensitive. He had no understanding of what my background was, how active I was previously and if I could be out of this bed I would be in a heartbeat. I felt so defeated and started to weep, still straight faced and flat affect from this OT guy, physio gave me some options of movement while in bed that I was already doing which was great for the reinforcement. They both leave Joy and I both look at each other just knowing what the other was thinking. A brief discussion was had just clarifying what just happened and if we both sensed the same thing. I’m discovering that I need more of a voice to stand up for myself, speak my mind and all these interactions are teaching me so much about me and what I do when people present themselves in a sense of higher power or throw that around. I go back to having no voice especially when put in a vulnerable state. Then comes the second interaction Friday evening with the hospitalist and she breaks the news that my neurosurgeon is away for the weekend and the plan is to get my pain under control, mobilize me and send me home. At that point I had a mixed bag of emotions. She left I was alone and the moment Jeff and Aurel walked in I was in full blown tears. I give up, I can’t do this anymore, I’m not getting better, pumping me up with drugs isn’t allowing them to see the problems, I feel like they are missing something. We all chatted about it and I realized that again I missed my chance of speaking my truth and what I felt like was going on. Very good learning lessons for me. The very next morning Saturday my nurse April walked in and I felt this really good vibe from her, she assessed me thoroughly, she asked questions about my history and then I felt comfortable enough to share with her my feelings on my care thus far. She completely agreed with me and she also said the night nurse Lori felt the same way. I was in a lot of pain and they were missing something. April got the ball rolling, next thing I knew the on call neurosurgeon and his resident were in my room asking questions and doing an assessment and the next thing I knew I was going to the OR within a day or two. Voila that’s what happens when you take charge and say something, you have a voice for yourself. My biggest and greatest lessons from this entire experience is how our every day interactions can affect people, what we say, our body language, facial expression tell people stories about ourselves. What we share, are we open and honest or are we guarded and protected. What does that show on the outside to other people. Do you exude a sense of higher power that may be intimidating over people. Do you like to trigger people, what do you get from that when you do? Does it really serve a higher purpose or is it only to serve your own purpose and sense of insecurities? Online interactions are so impersonal, our people and tribes are the ones that actually show up in our lives to make a difference. The people who genuinely care but it’s always a surprise because you don’t set expectations, giving goes all around. It’s like a chain reaction, not a pay back system you do for as I do for you. I love surprises, this week has given me so many surprises, the insurmountable support I never ever expected. My friends are my family! I have grown some deep relationship building with a few people that was shown me the other side of receiving. Even though this experience has been traumatic i have gained such great insight of belonging, cared for, and just knowing I’m loved in so many different ways. People come into our lives for so many different purposes, are you open to seeing what they can offer you or do you close the door to it because it’s not what you want but possibly what you need but that doesn’t always reflect roses, butterflies, sunshine and rainbows. I need to thank so many people one being my husband, my son who left school immediately to look after the dogs and put me into the ambulance. Dani who has literally put her life on hold for me and has been sleeping at the hospital. We have had some really good laughs and cries all together and she has had to put up with a lot…lol. My visitors Aurel, my daughter Karli, Kristina, Jessica, Tiina, Joy, Dora, Becky, Emily, Daniel and the kids who all brought me wonderful treats, funny gifts and food who made me laugh. Chanelle who spent one night with me to relieve Dani and that was a night full of laughs. All these people came through. All the special messages of care and concern. I don’t have an overly huge circle of close intimate friends but they are so genuine and I can share the most vulnerable moments with each and every one of them. I do have a wider circle of supporters that are out there that I genuinely appreciate and listen. My love can be shared up close and at a distance it’s whether you can accept that or not. Struggling is difficult at times but as Joy says that’s why we have a village of people that come together to help raise each other up and take care of each other in the times most needed. When you go out this week I want you to think about your energy, what you exude, notice other people’s energy and how it makes you feel. Be open to receiving those important messages, seeing what you can change in an interaction and what you can pick up. Much love as always, Nicole xoxo

2 Comments »

  1. Reading your post today has brought me to tears. I always ask my students “What sparkle are you bringing and leaving behind when you’re with people?” I’m trying to teach them to be aware of their impact on others. For some, it comes naturally and for others, you have to point it out as they really have no clue and of course, there are the others that just don’t care. I’m sorry that some of the health care “professionals” you dealt with had no sparkle and one can only hope that they were having a bad night. (probably not but wishful thinking). Let’s just hope that others will be more SPARKLY and treat you with respect!

    I hope that your recuperation is coming along and that you are not laid up for too long. Our thoughts are with you and we’re sending strong vibes your way. Stay strong, as I know you are. The road to recovery won’t be easy but will give you even more time to reflect and to come out the other end, even more fierce that you are already.

    Lucie. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are so right! As a nurse and teacher myself I always my students why do you want to choose this profession? What is it that really catches your eye. Anyways it was a great point you brought up. As humans I feel regardless of what we are doing in life we should always check in and see how our actions are reflecting others. We are often self consumed into our own stuff that we don’t see the harm that is exuding from the outside. Thank you for sharing your thoughts it’s always welcomed with open arms. Happy Mother’s Day Weekend 💜

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s