Fully Exposed

Wow where do I start, I know I have missed several weeks of communicating with all of you and myself. I’ve been sitting with the pity party having a good time. I don’t go there very often so it was really hard to recognize that’s where I was hiding. After I got discharged from the hospital I went home and fell into a slump a very dark place. It wasn’t until I was about 7 weeks post operative that I really realized what actually happened to me and how much my life has changed. I’m in a lot of pain all the time, sometimes so much I feel I want to end everything because I can’t stand it. But they say don’t get addicted to the narcotics, wean off of them as fast as you can. But what if legitimately you can’t because the pain is so bad? The surgery was supposed to work but we think it didn’t due to the trauma of the fall so they are contemplating a second surgery with hardware, plates, screws and pins. But guess what that won’t happen until after I have my MRI and surgery won’t happen until September. Now what, I say? I’ve gained weight and I feel terrible every time I look in the mirror. Sometimes people say but it could be worse and I say oh yes your right totally dismissing the feelings I have about all this change and how I’m going to cope with my new life. I can not do the things I used to do. I have a hard time bending down to pick something up and get myself back up is sometimes a real shit show. I’ve finally realized this is my life for right now and I need to find a way to live it the best way I can but it’s difficult. It’s difficult getting out of bed in the morning, the bed calls for me to come back many times during the day and I do go there because it’s easy and comforting. It hit me a couple of days ago the hard reality of my condition. I took many moments to cry about it and let it out. In those moments I learnt that it’s okay to just be in this moment give myself permission to feel. There has been so much change around the house, my children have had to look after me at times when Jeff isn’t home or Dani isn’t here. This is real shit and real life and in a flash things change. I will continue to allow myself to feel through this even if it does mean I join the pity party for a day or two because maybe that’s what I need. My life has changed, my body has changed and I don’t know who I am anymore and that’s okay. It has taken me a long time to realize I can either sit in this misery or I can find ways that I can learn to get to know the new me. Yes my body has changed and for a while I saw all the extra weight and swelling as such disgust but now I’ve realized that I’m just surviving. Dani and I had the most wonderful friend day yesterday, I needed that. I needed to get out of the house all day and do those things that make me happy right now. We sat in the car by the trees at lake Ramsey and then needed a change of scenery or maybe a pee break but then went to moonlight beach and sat in the car again with the wind blowing through, trees in front t of us with the water, I couldn’t have asked for a better place to be. Right now I struggle going into public places because of the way I look. I questioned why and realized that I’m embarrassed, I think that my survival should have looked different, meaning I shouldn’t have gained weight and I should look the same. That’s a really hard one to chew. One thing Jeff and Dani realized and brought to my attention is that I haven’t had one single panic attack since all of this has happened. That’s something to be proud of. Maybe this fall is taking me into a new life? Maybe that part of my life is over and I’m meant to face other things now. I’m meant to slow down and slowly built myself back up from the ground. Literally learning to be kind to myself and earn every inch of me back. This is my chance to leave the past behind, and see this new layer, find it’s worth and kindness it deserves. This is what besties are for, those days where you don’t want to get out of bed but your kicked out of bed to just move your body. I’ve vowed that I will progress and I’ve made an oath with Dani that I want to be pushed. Slowly but surely I will rebuild my foundation, I will cry on those days I’m in pain, I will be happy on those days I get to enjoy the breeze, trees and water, I will allow myself to be me in its entirety because this is my chance. I will learn to love myself again slowly, purely, and honestly because it’s a choice I want to make and I’ve been given a chance to change things. To change the way I look at myself today because I’ve gained weight and I don’t feel beautiful, to change the way I push myself too hard to the point of exhaustion, to change the way I interact with my children, give them a chance to be themselves and listen more. The list can go on. This transition is so powerful if I utilize it and see what it can offer me. I don’t want to stay where I am, I need to start slow physically or else I’ll crash. Slow for me is a pace I’m not familiar with but I will learn what it means. This is my choice now, I can either take it or leave it. Today’s picture represents so much, I’m completely raw here, open scar on my back from my surgery. I went to get up quickly after this shot was taken and forgot that I had to move slow, I was quickly reminded by the pain and limited mobility. I am surrounded by such wonderful colours and foliage that represent the people around me. It has taken me several weeks to expose myself, be open and be vulnerable show myself in its most rawest form. I know I’m growing from all of this, otherwise I truly believe all this wouldn’t have happened. We need to be reminded we are always moving forward, we can get caught up in everyday small things instead of looking at the big picture. Count your blessings they are everywhere. Much love Nicole xo