Fully Exposed

Do you ever have those weeks where you are winding down from all the action the week before and when you find stillness things keep surfacing? I’m feeling so much anger and jealousy this week. Anger because I’m stuck where I am and I see everyone else going on with their daily lives. I want to be that person! It’s definitely a protective mechanism. I want to have fun, I want to wake up energized and just go but this week has really slowed me right back down. As I laid there in bed this week I had these scary feelings like oh this is happening again. I’m stuck in bed. I’m having difficulty moving and when I do I can’t help but grunt and scream when I move from all the pain. Then the poor me again, why is this happening, I want to work, I want to get back to my family life, I want to have the freedom of driving again. The waiting game is killing me. That brings to mind a comment I had made to my neurosurgeon at my 6 week post operative appointment, I said “the pain is killing me”. He said now your being dramatic, I joked and laughed it off saying I didn’t mean it in the literal form. But now as I think about it, all this is slowly killing me. It’s killing my spirit, my body, and my whole perception of life right now. I have tried many things to keep my spirits up and as they say fake it until you make it. This is getting pretty tough and wearing on my patience. Most days I have such great difficulty doing anything. I try and then I pay for it. Even simple tasks. I can’t sit or stand for very long without having lying down rest periods. This is insane. Not fair but I can’t do anything about it. So I keep asking myself what is it that I need to see and truly learn from all this. I feel like at this point it’s a puzzle and if I don’t get the specific puzzle piece into the picture I can’t move on. What am I missing? What am I not seeing? How can I cope and surpass this part of my life that is so difficult. And then I feel bad when people say but yes it could be a lot worse then I think yes it could be so now I’m guilted into feeling grateful for what it is. I think it’s very difficult for people to measure on the outside the difficulty that happens on the inside. How much people just push through things without others knowing. Receiving comments like oh your moving better, yes because I’m druged up and determined to push today but that doesn’t happen everyday so it’s difficult for people to see what is really happening inside. Sometimes I can’t even get out of bed in the morning without help or to the bathroom. And then my mind takes me to this beautiful place where I have these glimpses of hope. I have always got excited about the small things. On Thursday Dani took me out on some errands. I remember having my heart set on this beautiful handmade clock made out of the top of an old giant spool. I had messaged this woman that makes them on Facebook a few times but she never answered me and so I was talking about this to Dani. In the back of my mind I’m like ya I’m gonna make one of these clocks but where in the heck will I get a giant spool like that. I said to my self just lead the way. So as we ran errands I was looking for speaker wire for the studio and we went to bianco’s because that’s the obvious. Then Bianco’s sent us to this other store that deals with electrical wires. I walk into the store and walk straight to the back where I see these boxes on the shelf and then immediately look to the left and there was the warehouse, guess what was in there??? You got it giant wooden spools. I was like omg this is why I am here for these. The universe lead me here to show me and remind me of how easy it is to manifest. After doing some talking the owner actually gave them to me for free. I felt so blessed and so shocked for the rest of the day I was riding high on a cloud. It’s that easy. I was reminded and shown. So half of this week was all about those deep dark places and then the other half was all about the beauty that can be found. So this weeks picture really shows both sides. Cat/cow the opposites, the balance and the breath of movement. I love these as the beautiful piece in the background is something old that has found the new. I am truly blessed with all these lessons with all these ways the universe helps me see where I’m going and what I’m capable of. We all have this in us, when we surrender to the unknown it will lead us in the direction we are supposed to be in. It’s so beautiful! Much love Nicole xoxo