Fully Exposed

How much do we suppress on a daily basis, on a weekly basis, on a monthly basis to a year? What do we choose to share with others and what do we hide from others and why? What do you fear because of what you do, how you dress, your sexuality? Are you truly living if you hide, if you are afraid? Wouldn’t it be truly freeing if you could just be you on every level. This week there was so much questions, so much to reveal without fear. A new sense of living. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel the energetic judgement from others or the disapproval from others, the looks of interest. This week I aloud myself to feel it all and when I had opportunity I expressed it without fear. Learning to live for me, with less holding back. What a freeing experience. The week started off with driving to my moms in Wasaga Beach, me lying down in the back of my hylander and my bestie driving . We arrived at my moms and spent some time chatting. As we were talking I discovered some feelings of unconditional love as I looked at her and saw my mom in such a different way. It felt very similar to just before my dad died. I forgave him for everything we had been through. I felt this exact same thing, an instant forgiveness and love that I can’t even explain. I don’t know if it is because she is dying with brain cancer and I sense what needs to happen in order to let her go without anger. I enjoyed our visit so much I want to go back and spend more time with her as I don’t know how much time is left. The next morning Dani and I headed to Toronto for my dreadlock extensions that turned into more than just that, it was an opening, a reveal, finding that happiness of an 8 year old innocent little girl. The exchange of energy and stories of our lifetime was the beginning of feeling less shame and guilt. It was an opportunity to share and feel on a different level. I truly found and connected on a deep level with my happiness. I’ve always had long hair even as a young girl. Each extension she did I got happier and happier, giddy with excitement I knew at that point this session was much more than just hair, it was about finding me again, literally coming alive. Jeff made a joke earlier on in the week about me coming home a different person because of not knowing who’s hair was going on my head. As I thought about that he was right, I saw it like I was being given an army of people to help me get through all that I’m being faced with. A true blessing. I keep trying to touch Jeff with my hair and he gets all freaked out…lol. It’s good ammunition and so playful! The next day I had my very first appointment with my psychiatrist. I didn’t think anything of it but as the time got closer I was so thankful that my friend Nancy was with me. We entered the driveway and I immediately had flashbacks of being admitted to that hospital when I was 17 after the abuse finally stopped. The anxiety hit even harder as I sat down waiting for my name to be called. Nancy kept me busy with conversation. I really don’t know what I was afraid of, maybe having to tell my story all over again. She called me in and I sat down and she asked me why I was there. Immediately I started to talk and give my story but I was so nervous I couldn’t remember dates, times etc. Finally we pieced things together. We discovered that the reason I haven’t had a panic attack since I fell and had back surgery was because I’ve been on so much narcotics. That is a suppressant. Ahhhhh now that makes sense. I was officially diagnosed with complex PTSD. She added a couple of meds and we call it a day….lol. Needless to say this week has been busy, has been life changing, has been a week of freeing and discovering myself in its truth and authenticity. My picture this week is a connection with the universe showing my gratefulness, appreciation for who I am becoming. Even though there are so many challenges presently, I still remain to pursue what I came here to do. I look at myself and realize what it is, yes I have some stomach rolls right now and yes I’ve gained some weight but all that is a sense of survival. Who cares really? As I open the extension to the new studio so many future opportunities coming my way. New people, new energy, a sense of freshness in always moving forward, supported, and a deep sense of knowing I’m on the right track. As you go into this long weekend and next week think about the questions I asked at the beginning. What will open you up a little more, what will free you a little more, what will make you find a little more happiness. Stay safe! Much love Nicole xoxo