This week had some beautiful challenges and also some beautiful moments of realization. As I traveled through the week I made some amazing discoveries, treasured moments from the past with such great growth, and accents of calmness in self discovery. As I start to point in all directions of my life everything seems to be coming together far beyond I ever imagined. I have had a couple breakdown moments where I struggled. I struggled with attention and a loss of caring from Jeff. One incident where he was changing my incision dressing he ripped off my dressing a little too aggressively for my liking. I wasn’t sure if this was me being too sensitive or if it was just him hurrying to get it done. After he finished I burst into tears wanting to hide like a little girl but then also questioning why my belly crying I wanted him to notice. I didn’t want to come out and say you hurt me but yet I wanted him to know so crying was my way of letting him know. I questioned am I being too sensitive or do I have a valid reason for feeling the way I did. I felt like he was purposely hurting me out of impatience. It turns out that wasn’t the case but more of hurrying and not knowing how to be more gentle because he isn’t a nurse and doesn’t know the little tricks of loosening the dressing first by maybe wetting it etc. Anyways it was a learning experience for both of us. One talking about the situation and two me realizing my reactions and actions to take care of myself. I also had a moment with my mother who was supposed to visit and then at the last moment in my driveway decided she didn’t want too. Do you ever get the sense why people choose to do things but never would admit it? Just knowing. I keep thinking every time I see her this might be the last time, take your time, put the past aside and see this moment in a state of love and nothing else. I feel like I’m getting pretty good at this but still felt the slight hurt of others not making the same effort. I get it but don’t if you know what I mean. This picture this week represents so much! Last year at this time I came out with all my sexual abuse from my boss as a teenager over a lengthy period of time. This abuse moulded me as a young teenager into adulthood. I’ve taken this journey and decided to walk it through with a sense of the most proudest experiences I ever could imagine. I’m not saying it hasn’t been hard and very dark at times but it also has been very bright and has shown me who I really am as a person. My soul has come alive which for many years has been hidden, dense, dark and lost its sparkle. I’ve found it again and come alive in so many ways. I’ve had a lot of moments of laughter this week. Times where I’ve seen myself as a little girl just being playful and alive. I am now able to truly be naked with much less anxiety. Last year at this time I was wearing and looking for my blanket when we did these photo shoots, no I walk around naked with a good sense of confidence. It’s funny how this worked out last year Dani took the picture at this time and she took this weeks picture as well. I love to play jokes and make people giggle. Dani seems to take my joke playing very well…lol. One of my favourites is to honk the horn as she walks in front of the vehicle totally catching her off guard or hiding behind a wall and popping out from no were and yelling to catch her attention. Bah it sure does catch her attention with a “NICOLE”. Nothing makes me giggle more than hearing that. I can just say my relationships whether it be with my husband or friends have changed to much healthier and active living relationships. They mean something, from the people that enter my studio and friends that I spend a lot of time with, I truly value more than I think people realize. I get to live this life with people who care about me and I care about them on a very deep level. Being a little over two weeks post op I feel my infection is getting better, I’m moving around, some small minor set backs but nothing that will stop me. For this week try to see your friends and family as value and love. What can you tell in your story about these people. What makes you smile and what sets you free. Let’s grow together and have open discussions. So much love and light as always Nicole xoxo

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