Fully Exposed

So I always said I would be transparent throughout this whole process and that my honesty with myself will help me grow as a person. That deep down real honesty, no hiding behind perfect pictures, edited pictures, show my body in its purest form. When I look at edited pictures I think to myself who are we kidding??? When people see us in real life we don’t look that wayyyyyyyy…lol so what are we hiding from? Today I almost did that, as April took the pictures I kept saying but can you get less of my stomach. And as she always does wants to help me find my true essence she kept taking pictures. I love her with all my heart, she aims to please and we have melded our energies in most photo shoots it’s honestly the first or second picture she takes because we are so in tuned with each other. This week I was the problem. I’ve been stuck with all this why? I have bad sciatica again and even though my post op infection is getting better my back really hurts in certain areas. What is this all about? I’m open and I’m asking for help, I’m pleading with all my heart and soul to find solutions. I thought this second surgery was the answer and was going to be the Cadillac of backs. Anyhow it still brings me to my picture this week of why am I still looking for perfection or hiding from the reality of what my body really looks like at this moment. I’ve tried to fit in many years ago and know that’s not my place. I’m definitely an outie…lol. Is this truly my new normal and my challenge is acceptance? Am I supposed to live with this body that is broken and find a way to love it anyways? I’ve always been that picky person, I always had preferences for myself. I remember growing up and I had to be a certain way, the boys I dated had to look a certain way, my house had to look a certain way. I had to break down a lot of those walls but the sad thing is the rest of the world isn’t so forgiving. The rest of the world still looks for perfection and when you don’t have it you are frowned upon as being different or an outcast. Breaking down the walls for myself feels easier than standing up to the people around you that still follow those same rules. It makes you feel sometimes less than or not good enough or not worthy enough, separated from the rest. I was driving today for example and looking at vehicles. People driving all sorts of different kinds. I don’t care what anyone says but it does show a sense of class of people. A person that doesn’t make very much money certainly wouldn’t be able to afford a Benz etc. So those kinds of things do separate us by showing the amount of money you make to afford to drive certain vehicles. Which brings to mind my boss as a teenager who sexually abused me always driving a Cadillac and he still does. That being said I have a distinct association with vehicles and power because sometimes our encounters happened in his Cadillac. He always told me if I ever shared with anyone I would always be looked at as the crazy young teenager that no one would listen too. His position of power was huge and the fact that he had a lot of money. I didn’t have much, my mom was a single mom who had three girls to take care of. This means I was a great target for abuse. The grooming process was extremely dominating. It was a known fact that I had no power so why fight? I did the first few times but then after that I couldn’t, he worked his magic in identifying how he would take care of me since I didn’t have much. Lies lies lies hence the reason I have such trust issues that I feel I have broken through and have made such amazing progress. Predators know what they are doing, they are experts at what they do to get what they want. So as I reflect back this week I saw many weak moments. Moments where I felt stuck, not understanding why I am being challenged once again further into this broken back episodes. Is it all just a process of healing that takes time, perseverance, dedication, the will not to give up and prove to myself that I can do this. I’ve moved through some pretty tough times my whole life this is my steps to building a new place to live. Moving forward in the light can be challenging at times. How do we overcome things when we are stuck? I know our state of mind can be the key but sometimes that breaks down and gets the best of you too. I smudged myself hoping to clear some of that negative stagnant energy. It felt good to be naked in that pure energy of just existing in that moment. As always I’m always looking for feedback and new perspectives. Smile, move forward and be excited about what tomorrow will bring. Much love Nicole xoxo