Fully Exposed

My mind body and soul has been crushed. These last two weeks have definitely left a permanent impact on my life forever. From me finding out how sick I really am with a hemoglobin of 82 and having to see another surgeon now for internal bleeding to my moms passing in Collingwood. How much can one take I ask. As my mind goes numb only feeling parts of the grief that I know will come. My mind and heart is happy that I got to spend some great valuable time with her before she passed. We hugged, we kissed, we talked about so many things but most of all I forgave her for a lifetime of hurt that I was feeling. I remember the same thing happening right before my dad died as well. A deep sense of peace one knowing that all those things that used to repulse me now I seem to love and miss. I remember my mom loving to get her back scratched and her feet rubbed and as a child I hated doing this but as I made peace with her I found myself instantly wanting to do those things for her because I knew they made her happy. That unconditional love had some difficult times to travel but still made it through in the end making me love her even more. You see forgiveness is the key the way to unlock our souls desires to find the truth in what love can really offer us. It’s a difficult task but can be done I’ve seen it happen twice now. My parents were here to show me so many things one being that love and forgiveness go hand in hand. We all face our battles throughout our lifetime and our challenges in childhood that bring us to a greater sense to experience life and what it has to offer along the way. You see it’s never too late. Time is irrelevant when it comes to these things. It’s so strange how things can change from moment to moment. One minute we feel good and the next moment there seems to be a sense of doom that often takes a tole on how you think and feel in those moments. I don’t know what to feel right now. I know I should be grieving but I honestly feel fulfilled to a certain extent but then I see her lying in that hospital bed and know that I’ll never get to hug her again. The special thing is she really hasn’t left me yet. I’ve spoke to her so many times and she has shown me that she is with me. Last night I was watching cardinal and I saw her old bed frame in one of the scenes and this isn’t a popular bed frame, it’s antique. You see this is exactly how it works. They show us they are there in the ways we can recognize and relate too. It’s actually such a beautiful thing. And really it’s that easy! Just being aware and open will widen your opportunities to see in the ways they want to reach you. Have I found a sense of contentment through this? Is this why the tears have decreased and all I can see feel and hear is her close to me. I don’t want to miss anything or suppress my emotions because I feel they are all so important and are much a part of the grieving process. I just don’t feel the need to cry at this moment, I feel content, I don’t feel lost but feel more like I’ve found a deeper sense of home as I connect within myself to see what my needs are. So to say the least these past two weeks have really challenged my tolerance. My tolerance in how much I can take with all that is going on, my own, not anyone else’s and no comparisons. This is me in a nutshell cracked wide open, the exterior layer has now been broken open and that fine goodness in the centre is still alive and well nourished. I’m taking care of myself, thinking about rest, thinking about the things that nourish my soul, and being open to talk about the things that make me happy and sad. As my body tries to heal from all this back trauma, it still has a little ways to go. I need to get my hemoglobin back at a stable rate and CT is ordered for the ongoing sciatica. Maybe a 3rd surgery, who knows. Whatever it takes I will stand by my side and support myself in any which way it needs to find optimal health. So this weeks picture is about how we get flipped around sometimes. How life can throw anything at us unexpectedly. How will you react, what will you think, what emotions will arise as your world shakes a bit from normalcy? It’s okay, be with it, ride the wave, open your heart, sit with it for a moment, what do you need in that moment to stabilize yourself, be honest and open, it’s a gift to be truthful with yourself and others. Expose your heart and see what that feels like. Each week I strive to find my happiness and whatever that may be and I wish the same for you. As always much love, Nicole xoxo