Some overwhelming past few weeks. The death of my mother and grieving, having to take care of myself more being sick with post operative issues and having to live with this unbearable pain! I keep asking myself why so much pain still after having two back surgeries with full instrumentation. I can’t get rid of this sciatica and at this point I’m desperate to find out. Other people have looked this up researching the bodily and psychological meaning of sciatica. I have some deep seeded root issues with my teenage sexual abuse. Still so many fears and having so many nightmares of people coming after me if I do this one thing. REVEAL! For so many years I protected this man and his family business out of so much fear. My friend Jessica said let’s look this up and do a little research and this is what I came up with.

“Pain that occurs in the course of the sciatic nerve (from the sacrum to below the knee through the back of the leg). It is due to mechanical pressure or nerve inflammation.

Conflict of impotence and devaluation of the direction.

Anxiety related to a displacement or movement that hinders or forces us.

Conflict over having to bow before a person or situation.

Fear of the future and lack of material goods, insecurity before everything yet to come.

Resentment, repressed anger, rejection to something or someone.

The function of sciatic nerve inflammation is to prevent relative information from advancing freely reaching its destination (leg muscles). To avoid taking the step, to walk or to go to someone”

So you see my friends it’s time I come out of the closet. This is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I’m hoping it gives me a little more freedom. I deserve this freedom as each and every other survivor out there does. Holding back just caused injury within my mental mind but also my physical body. As seen above it truly does have an impact. Think of it this way when there is memory there is body memory of the event as well. I have been robbed my whole teenage and adult life. When I worked at Mr. Toppers Pizza as a young teenager I was robbed of my innocence. This man was 55 and I was 15-16 years of age. 30 years later that would put this man in his 80’s! I’m done with hiding and feeling scared. I want the nightmares to stop, I want the fear to stop, I want the panic attacks to stop. Enough is enough. I want to live with an open mind, heart and spirit and holding back holds me back from my growth. During my trauma therapy I wrote this man a letter a long letter and sent it to him by registered mail without any expectations thinking that was going to be enough. I never felt fully fulfilled. Everyone is so different when dealing with their traumas, some people go right to the end and charge the person. I don’t know what will make this all go away for me. All I know is that it has destroyed me long enough. This weeks picture was directly related to my lower chakras, my root, sacral, and solar plexus work. As this trauma keeps surfacing and I have to deal with these issues what better way to showcase them using the wall for support in reclined Supta Baddha Konasana. Showing me to relax my hips lower back and legs. A beautiful lady came in to drop off a homemade dream catcher and as time lapsed while we were talking, we discovered so many things about our lives that had similarities I couldn’t resist to hang this beautiful piece. As I just surfed the internet I discovered this. “Dream catchers were hung above the beds of sleeping children to protect them from bad dreams and evil spirits. Legends held that the spider web design of the dream catcher would allow good dreams to pass through and float down the hanging beads and feathers to sleeping children”. I am being protected and given so much light to help me get through all of this. Thank you for another amazing week of insight, learning and courage to help me heal my broken mind, body and spirit. I grow each week as I move through every inch of this process. Much love Nicole xoxo


  1. Writing is often a catharsis. It likely won’t change the predator, but at least it makes it harder for him to deny the heinous nature of his deeds, and hopefully make him reflect on his own perverse nature.

    I like the dream catcher idea. Very creative way to give children a sense of security. Best wishes to you as you continue the journey of healing.

    Liked by 1 person

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