Fully Exposed

So many things so many variables and so much energy this week. It was a week flooded with uncertainties and the urge to hide and run away. Do you ever feel like your life has changed so much and so fast that your unaware of even who you are anymore? We always have our inner resources and our ways of knowing but when life changes in a flash it ignites a sense of being lost in wonder where will we be next. Lately I have been having some pretty crazy nightmares and flashbacks of the sexual trauma but also the fall that I had down the stairs in the spring of last year. I wake up with an immense fear and catapulting my physical body out of sleep mode. Frankly it’s pretty darn scary and it is truly painful as my body jars itself from sleeping to wakefulness. I have been reflecting so much on how different my life has become. It has changed in so many incomprehensible ways, that I can’t even explain fully into words. I had a deep sense of wanting to hide this week from knowing all these changes that have overcome me. I am not who I was before and I will never be and when I say that it does bring such sadness. But my life has also changed in so many crazy unbelievably good ways too. I’ve slowed this engine right down and have dug deep to see so many other attractive things that were hidden behind the scenes because they weren’t important enough for me to see at the time. We grow, we change, we see how life can change in an instant. We can see how emotions get created with each story we live through. We are here to experience the life, the life of living in the best way we can. All these things that we feel at the present moment may change at any time because life can turn and change directions in an instant. I thought my body was terrible when I was truly in one of the best shapes of my life. As the last 6 months of being laid up in bed and not doing much my body has taken another turn. It has changed dramatically it has grown and shaped so differently. So I made a promise to myself this morning that if my body changes again whichever shape or form it takes I will no longer tell it how terrible it looks. I am truly grateful to know that it has carried me through this journey that has been extremely overwhelming and taxing on all parts mentally, physically and emotionally. I will never stand in the mirror and tell myself how ugly I am or how fat I look. My dear friend Jessica is teaching me how to appreciate and see the beauty in my bigger body. You see most people that care about you deeply do not see the body in the same way we do in our minds. The interpretation is much different. I am beautiful, I am worth living for, I am a being that deserves to be recognized and loved on a deep level. I couldn’t see that before when I was hiding under that smaller body that was worked to the bone to stay fit and slim. I am much happier now that I have slowed and have been shown a new way of viewing myself through the lens of others. It is a different way that by no means has been easy. When I slowed to see myself in its truest form I had to give up the body I was living in that I never loved anyways. And as I get closer and closer to seeing this beauty inside and out I come to realize that I was just living with blinders on, I was just being ignorant and so self absorbed thinking I was less than. So you see change is good, the consequence of my falling was loosing a body that I never appreciated anyways. I see now so clearly that I needed help and the only way to change that was to completely shock and unroot myself to where I was. The consequence was a big one, falling and loosing all control in many aspects of my life but it also lead me into refinement and clarity. I am grateful for everything that has happened to me to this day because it has allowed me to see more clearly and also appreciate life on a different level. Life is precious and should not be taken for granted. It is a place where we can make mistakes and still rise above it all. This picture is a double edge sword, one being I wrap my arms around my beautiful body to protect myself but then also wrapping my arms around me to give myself a big hug for coming this far. It is a blessing to be here, it is a blessing to be able to express myself wholeheartedly. I thank each and every person who has come across my path to this day for it all has meaning and has shaped me into the person I am today. Drop me a line at anytime. I love to hear your words. Much Love Nicole xoxo