Fully Exposed

2 weeks today I had my 3rd back surgery. I had high hopes that I would be feeling fantastic. I have to say I’ve had some pretty rough days emotionally. I’ve had some old sciatica pain intermittently which has confused me and has brought up some pretty scary feelings. I don’t want this pain anymore I’ve asked quite honestly that my body get rid of this pain and that I no longer embrace this in my life. The last two days have been so much better with the physical pain but the emotional pain has exploaded. It’s so much more than I ever thought it would be. For so many years my physical pain has occupied my mind so much. My world is healing and telling me loud and clear to listen to so many things. Listen to my heart when it’s hurting, listen to my thoughts when I feel jealous, listen to my anger when I’m struggling to be the same person as I was before. As I lie here in bed I’m realizing I just need to chill and feel a little and that it’s okay and I don’t always have to explain myself. I’m aloud to do this, I don’t have to be a perfect role model in the old ways that I used to think. I need to be me and know that me is okay when it’s suffering after a long haul of dealing with my screaming body. A body that claimed and held space in my head for a very long time. My mind is saying finally I get a chance to just be, finally I don’t have to stuff down my feelings anymore because there were other focuses that were more important. I’m coming alive again, slowly , compassionately with no resistance. I’m aloud to just BE #justbe #expressionsofself #imready #itsokaynottobeokay #imokay #dreadhairdreams #dreads #dreadlove