Fully Exposed

As I sit here thinking of all the things while I have my first bath after my 3rd back surgery I pick up my phone and start to write. It’s been a little while , definitely a few weeks. The water reminds me of cleansing and how wonderful that can be in a time of need. Where am I now? Where do I go from here? Wheels on the bus start to turn as I remember back a couple of weeks ago having the discussion with my pain doctor about what happens next. I am now 4 weeks post operative and still have pain, not nearly as bad but it’s definitely not a life I want to live. So we talk about options. I want off the opioids, I don’t want to take them anymore as I feel they really aren’t helping me anymore anyways. I met a friend a while ago that has been on suboxone with great success in helping control pain and also is the gateway to escaping addiction or the need for opioids. But guess how we have to get there? Full blown DT’s withdrawal symptoms known as Delirium Tremens. So here we go I approach the 6-8 mark hour where I am due for my next dose and for one I start to feel the pain and second the need to have the pills becomes more apparent. As the time goes on in the evening I become slightly more agitated, shaky, sweaty and feel so anxious. At this point I’ve figured out I really can’t do this alone, I need support or else I’m not going to obey. I call on the troupes Dani and Jessica. Okay people I really can’t stand myself right now and I need you to help me through the night and I have a feeling this isn’t going to look pretty so be prepared. I don’t know how many times that night I asked for assistance from all places to just get me through to the next moment. I paced, I cried, I screamed, I even banged on my drum looking for a rhythm I could tolerate asking upon any spirit in good standing to help me. Please just help me calm the fuck down. I took my nighttime medications and attempted sleep and I succeeded until 3am which where I was wide awake. We had coffee, we talked about random things that didn’t make any sense, I laughed and cried and paced over and over again and all I kept thinking and voicing is all I have to do is take one Percocet and I’ll feel better, that’s all it would take. At that moment I hated my life so badly and couldn’t believe that those pills had my body convinced that I needed them but my mind struggled big time and I was determined and stubborn enough to know better not to give in but I’ll tell ya I really wanted too because I hated how my body felt, it was miserable, I ached everywhere, I was sweating, my heart was racing and I just wanted it all to go away. I survived until 9am where I met my DOC and he could clearly see I was ready and in no joking matter wasn’t in a good space with my body or my mind. So he prescribes the first 4mg of suboxone with monitoring. I feel a slight change in my belly a coolness with a little less nausea. He asks me how do you feel now and I tell him. Okay he says let’s go for the next 4mg of suboxone under the tongue. By now let me describe what this shit tastes like as I’m drooling at the mouth like a dog, this shit tastes like the worst most rotten orange peel you have ever eaten by accident obviously. Each dose takes about 5-10min to dissolve under your tongue. By now I’m starting to feel a little more normal, less shaky, still drooling ha ha on purpose, my body is aching less and I’m starting to feel human again instead of a fierce animal. So he says to make sure you are totally out of the DT’s and your pain is well controlled let’s give you 4mg more under the tongue and see where we are at after a full 12mg. Well that did the trick and I was feeling well, enough to start cracking jokes to my DOC who told me that I was too well now….lol. What just happened here, felt all like a dream but I can surely tell you it definitely wasn’t a dream. My pain was gone, this is a miracle drug for pain. I can’t say enough how impressed I am and how relieved I am and I am no longer addicted to opioids. I wanted this so badly and now I got it. It wasn’t easy getting there but so worth it. I really owe this to my friends that night and my DOC and their wonderful staff at Vitaheal Rebecca and Val. Having the perfect people lined up for me to do this was essential in me being successful. I wonder where this will lead me next? I know I am thankful to be here on this earth and experience life whatever it throws at me. This is me, I am open, I am honest and I can go to bed at night and know that I have done my best to be a good human to myself and others. I have morals and I have values that I live by that help me live a pure and simple life. Ask yourself what is it that you contribute to you and others around you? Do you live an honest life with yourself and others? Do you cheat yourself or others? Are you harmful to yourself or others? These are all very real and personal questions that are there to challenge YOU, YOURSELF the person you say you are. Be the BEST version of you as you can be. As always so much love and kindness, Nicole xoxo