Fully Exposed

I’m gearing up for my day planning out all the essential things I want to get done. First, on my essential things is to get my ass out of bed and don’t laugh some days that’s the hardest thing to do ;). All I’m thinking about is what I will eat today because my focus the last 3 days have been to make healthier choices. All those wonderful foods I stuff into my mouth aren’t always what my body needs but it definitely wants it. I’ve come to this conclusion because over my last 9 months I’ve gained a lot of weight. I know some of it is by choice and some not by choice. Three days ago I stepped on the scale for the first time only for it to scream and flash at me 220lbs. How rude is that??? To say the least I was completely devastated. Even at my highest weight having my two children I never got to that number. It was a huge realization that I need to take some control back into my life. So I’ve set out to start eating healthier choices all the time, I’ve cut out sugar and wheat products. These are my choices. I’ve always been the same kind of weight girl except maybe 5-10lbs fluctuations. This size for me is not known in this body. It’s really really hard, I struggle a lot with soreness in my joints, I struggle with breathing, I struggle with movement, I struggle with the emotions that keep me eating etc. I can really understand people now when they say things are hard for them and everything is a challenge, moving is a challenge. I GET IT! So I vowed that I would get my body and mind back functioning to make better choices and in that I’ve chose to start walking and gentle yoga practices. In my head I say I know it won’t take me long, my body already has memory of where it has been before. I start walking on a packed snowy trail in the bush with my two yahoooo dogs and Jeff. At the beginning I’m all excited omg yahoo I’m outside, I can smell the snow, the trees, the dog poop(not wonderful) but all in all I’m doing this and it feels great. I look down at my feet and notice the speed and spread of my footsteps, I’m doing okay, slow but I’m still doing okay. The dogs are running around me like crazy animals and I’m petrified that one of them will run into me so I grab onto Jeff. He says no no we need to walk further apart so they don’t hang around us. We are walking and all of a sudden the crazy Duncan is headed right for me, fear in my eyes and my heart pumping omg what shall I do, so I drop to my knees. Phew I saved myself, all is good. Now shit how do I get back up, well let me tell ya this is where it starts, lunges have never been so difficult with this bigger body and weak back muscles. I struggle but I do succeed and get back on my feet. That crazy dog did that three times to me then Jeff got smart and handed me a stick to ward him off when he came too close. As I was walking up this big hill to me I was huffing and puffing, I could feel my cheeks getting red, my heart was pounding and my steps were small and all I could keep telling myself was to keep going you can do this just keep going. In all that time the thought of giving up crossed my mind but it never seemed to control it. I was determined even though I was starting at a place I had never known to me. It’s okay , I’m okay, and I’m doing this. I realized at that moment how much I missed the outdoors even the cold of winter had me inspired. You just have to keep telling yourself you got this. Challenges arrive everywhere in our lives, this has been a big one for me and I’m still going strong. I really believe I’m out of the darkness of it, I’ve pushed to the other side and I’m still standing with a proud sense. Be proud of whatever it is that you accomplish, nothing is ever too small. Actually the smallest things bring the greatest satisfaction. Be strong my friends mind, body and soul. Much Love Nicole xoxo